The Truth About Jealousy: Stop feeling like a Monster & become a More confident & content Stepmom.

Let’s just say it out loud right here, right now: feeling jealous of your stepkids or even the life your partner had before you is totally normal. We often feel guilty or ashamed for having these feelings, but they are to be expected and they’re a natural part of being in a complex family setup like a blended family.

Jealousy Towards Stepchildren

Let’s talk about jealousy towards your stepkids. This is a tough one because it can make you feel like a bad person, but it can actually be a signal that there’s something deeper going on. To figure this out, we need to do a little self-reflection

Self-Reflection Activity

Think about a recent time when you felt jealous of your stepkids. What was happening? What was being said or done? Close your eyes and tune into your body. What other emotions were you feeling along with jealousy? Sadness, anger, loneliness? Write these down.

Notice where in your body you felt this jealousy. Was there tension in your shoulders? A heaviness in your chest? Write that down too.

Elizabeth Church, a psychologist and stepmom, has an eye-opening insight about jealousy. She says “Stepmom jealousy is often powerlessness turned inside out.” If that hits you in the gut, you’re not alone. Many of us feel excluded or disempowered when our partners give attention to their kids and we’re left feeling invisible. It’s not that we don’t want the kids to have attention, we just want to feel important, too. And feeling jealous of a little kid brings up all these other yucky feelings like shame and guilt. If you’re anything like me, you probably have felt like this makes you a monster, being jealous of a kid. But it doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you human.

Understanding the Triggers

Jealousy often signals power imbalances in the family. We might feel like our needs come last, especially if our partners focus solely on their kids when they’re around. It’s not that our partners are intentionally disregarding us, but it can feel that way.

Practical Strategies

Alright, now that we’ve unpacked these feelings, let’s dive into some strategies to navigate jealousy and build stronger bonds.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

First, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel jealous—it actually means you care. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend. When those feelings arise, acknowledge them without judgment.

2. Self-Reflect to Identify Imbalances

Like I said above, jealousy often points to an imbalance. Take time to reflect on where these imbalances might be. What is your jealousy trying to tell you? Is it signaling a need for more significance? Is it trying to tell you that you need more closeness and connection? More control or say? Notice your triggers and the thoughts that accompany them. Are you telling yourself, “I don’t matter” or “I’m not enough”?

3. Communicate with Vulnerability

There’s no intimacy without connection, and no connection without vulnerability. Connect with your partner by sharing your feelings openly and honestly. Here’s a script to help guide that conversation:

. Ask if it’s a good time to talk: “Is now a good time to share something that’s been on my heart?”

.Acknowledge or express appreciation related to the situation: “I love what an involved, engaged Dad you are. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

. State the facts: “But I noticed that when I came home with groceries, you were playing with Mackenzie and didn’t get up to help me.”

.Own the meaning you made out of it: “What I made up about that is my needs don’t matter as much when she’s with us.”

.Express your feelings: “…and I felt really sad and lonely.”

. Make a request: “When you see me with my hands full, will you come over to help me? And when Mackenzie is with us, can we carve out 30 minutes a day for some 1:1 time?”

Practice this script until it feels natural. It’s a powerful tool when you use it!

4. Embrace an Abundance Mindset & Remember that Love is Not a Zero Sum Game

When we talk about jealousy as a stepmom, it's easy to feel like love and attention are limited resources. It can seem like if your partner is giving love and attention to their kids, there's less left over for you. This is what’s known as a zero-sum game—the idea that there's a fixed amount of something, and if one person gets more, another gets less.

But love doesn't work that way. Love is not a zero-sum game. Just because your partner loves and cares for their kids doesn’t mean there’s less love available for you. Love is not pie! In fact, love can grow and expand. Your partner’s ability to love their children doesn’t diminish their capacity to love you.

Understanding this can help shift your perspective. Instead of seeing your stepkids as competition for your partner's affection, you can start to see the love they share as something that can coexist with, and even enhance, the love you share with your partner. This mindset can reduce feelings of jealousy and help you feel more secure in your relationship. from a scarcity mindset (believing there’s not enough love or attention to go around) to an abundance mindset (believing there’s plenty for everyone). Focus on what’s working in your relationship and express gratitude for those things. When scarcity-based thoughts arise, replace them with abundant ones. For example, instead of thinking, "Every time he’s with his kids, it’s like I’m pushed to the side and forgotten” try repeating this mantra to yourself: “Love is limitless and ever-expanding. There’s more than enough love for everyone, including me.”

5. Focus on Self-Care and Personal Growth

Prioritize your own self-care. Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Reconnect with what makes you *you* outside of being a stepmom. This is a crucial part of maintaining your emotional well-being and building your own unique identity within the family. Remember, our partners can’t meet all our needs—we need to take charge of our own happiness.

Jealousy Towards the Life Your Partner Had Before You

Another area of jealousy that we often grapple with is towards our partner’s past. It’s natural to feel insecure or compare ourselves to their previous experiences, wishing it was us he shared those memories with instead of his Ex.

If you find yourself pre-occupied with your partner’s past, here are a few tips that will help:

1. Cultivate Gratitude and Appreciation

Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and express appreciation for what your partner brings into your life. Gratitude can shift your perspective and diminish feelings of jealousy.

2. Communicate and Be Vulnerable

Open, honest communication with your partner is key. Express your concerns and insecurities in a non-confrontational way. Creating a safe space for dialogue helps you both work together to find solutions.

3. Build Shared Experiences

Focus on building new memories as a couple and family. Creating positive experiences together will lay a foundation for a fulfilling future.

4. Invest in Personal Growth

Focus on making your life as amazing as it can be right now. Here. Today. Let go of the past and put all of your energy into making your present a place that’s so good, you never even THINK about the past anymore!

THINK YOU NEED MORE HELP WITH YOUR COMPLICATED FEELINGS?

Consider booking a free, 60-minute consultation call with me. The purpose of this call is for us to determine your next steps re: your biggest stepmom struggle. I want to hear all about you, your family, your goals/desires, what's stopping you and where you're trying to go.

I will then lay out my recommended Next Steps for you and your family based on exactly where you are. You'll leave the call feeling clear on where to go from here.

You'll also receive all the key details about how I work with clients to help them make progress week over week.

Can't wait to connect with you! Book your call here

9 tips for dealing with your partner’s permissive parenting

When I polled my Facebook group for stepmoms about their biggest struggles, the overwhelming top response was: “different parenting styles.” That response was no shock to me as a stepmom myself and as a coach to stepmoms for over ten years. I hear that one a lot. And usually what is meant by “different parenting styles” is “He’s too permissive.”

On top of that, I hear a lot of stepmoms say things like:

- “I have no say in my own home.”

- “I feel powerless when it comes to what his kids do.”

- “I don’t agree with my partner’s parenting and he won’t listen to me.”

- “My partner is too permissive or inconsistent or unpredictable as a parent.”

- “The rules change when his kids arrive - he’s hard on mine, but lets his run wild.”

- “I would never let my kids do that…”

It’s one thing to disagree with how he parents his own children and another to feel like you have no say, especially when that permissive parenting affects your life. Dads tend to be too permissive in their parenting for a number of reasons, but the most common are guilt from the divorce, gender norms, and lack of parenting skills/education. Understanding these factors can help you approach the situation with the right mindset and attitude so you can find constructive solutions. Luckily, it only takes one person to change a pattern.

Here are 9 tips to help you right the ship if you’re struggling with how your partner parents.

1. Have a Heart-to-Heart with Your Partner

Express your feelings using "I" statements, focus on how their actions impact you, and avoid blaming or criticizing. This approach fosters understanding and cooperation.

2. Create House Rules

Come up with house rules that everyone agrees on. Focus on what really matters to you. For example, "We pick up after ourselves," or "We greet each other and treat each other with kindness." Make sure these rules are clear and agreed upon by everyone in the household.

3. Set Boundaries

Set boundaries as needed. If certain behaviors are affecting your well-being, your time, your energy, or the harmony of your home, it’s important to set clear boundaries. Communicate these boundaries respectfully and ensure they are enforced consistently.

4. Check Your Own Baggage

Sometimes, as stepmoms, we unconsciously or unwittingly over-correct and try to control things because we have so little control. Our lives are ruled by court orders, rules we didn’t make, kids we didn’t birth, etc., so we become hypervigilant of all the things our partner and the kids are doing that we don’t like or agree with. Get honest with yourself about your control tendencies. Reflect on whether your need to control stems from your own insecurities or past experiences. Sometimes, our reactions to our partner's parenting style are more about us than about them. Acknowledge this and give yourself grace.

5. Have Empathy for Your Partner

Remember that your partner may be dealing with guilt from the divorce or trying to compensate for the time lost with their kids. Understand that their leniency might be a way of coping with their own emotions. Try to see things from their perspective and have open, empathetic conversations about your concerns. The guilt or lack of skills isn’t an excuse, but it’s an explanation and it can be really helpful to keep in mind as you try to work things out.

6. Pick Your Battles

Learn to let go of the small things and focus on what truly matters. Use the rule of 5: Will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years? If it won’t matter in the long run, it might not be worth the stress.

7. Own the Role Your Childhood Wounds May Be Playing

Reflect on how your own childhood experiences might be influencing your reactions. If you grew up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, you might be more sensitive to similar patterns in your stepfamily. Acknowledge these feelings and work through them.

8. Understand Parenting Styles

According to research, there are four basic styles of parenting:

1. Loving and Firm (Authoritative)

2. Hostile and Firm (Authoritarian)

3. Permissive and Kind (Permissive)

4. Permissive and Hostile (Unpredictable)

The most effective parenting style for children is the Authoritative style, which combines love and firmness. Usually, our partners rock at the loving part, but not so much on the firmness part. Reflect on which of these styles best describes your partner’s parenting and your own.

9. Focus on Connection Over Correction

One of the best ways to navigate differing parenting styles as a stepmom is to focus on building a connection with your stepchildren rather than trying to correct their behavior constantly. When children feel connected and respected, they are more likely to respond positively to guidance.

Conclusion

Differing parenting styles are a common challenge in blended families, but they don’t have to spell disaster. By checking your own baggage, having empathy for your partner, picking your battles, creating house rules, and setting boundaries, you can navigate these differences more effectively. Focus on building connections with your stepchildren and communicate openly with your partner.

Surviving a High-Conflict Bio Mom: Tips for Stepmoms

Having to deal with a partner’s ex is one of the hardest things about being a stepmom. Even if things are chill between you, it’s still an odd relationship. No one else really gets that unless they’re also a stepmom. It’s not normal/common for us to have to interact with an ex on the regular AND have that person get so much say over our schedule. If your partner’s ex is high-conflict to boot, that can be a real nightmare. If you're nodding along, I want you to know first and foremost, you are not alone and I’ve got some actionable tips to help, stepmom to stepmom.

What Exactly is a High-Conflict Bio Mom?

First off, let’s define what we’re talking about. A high-conflict bio mom is your partner’s ex who seems to thrive on drama. According to Bill Eddy, the guru behind the High Conflict Institute, these folks are all about maintaining conflict rather than finding solutions. They love to blame others and see themselves as completely faultless. Sound familiar?

Key Traits of a High-Conflict Bio Mom:

Chaotic and Oppositional:  Always stirring the pot, never compromising.

- Vindictive and Scheming: Loves causing disputes and dragging things to court.

- Emotionally Reactive: Quick to anger, never sees their own faults.

- Disrespectful and Controlling: Openly rude and loves to control everything.

Sometimes, this behavior is sneaky. They might be super nice to your face but trash-talk you behind your back. Recognizing these signs can help you navigate the chaos more effectively.

 The Do’s and Don’ts of Dealing with a HCBM

 1. Self-Reflect

Start with a little self-reflection. Ask yourself, “Am I doing anything to add fuel to the fire?” It’s easy to get caught up in the drama without realizing it. Check if you've been snarky, passive-aggressive, or defiant. Being honest with yourself can make a huge difference.

 2. Minimize Interaction

Less interaction usually means less drama. Keep your communication with the bio mom to a minimum. Let your partner handle most of it if it causes you anxiety. When you do need to communicate, keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (BIFF).

 3. Don’t Take It Personally

I know, it’s tough not to take things personally. But this conflict isn’t about you—it's about roles and unresolved emotions. If something's getting under your skin, take a step back and see if it’s genuinely about you or just the situation. Remember, a high-conflict person always needs a target of blame.

 4. Don’t Get Sucked In

Supporting your partner without getting emotionally involved is crucial. Pretend the bio mom is like an annoying colleague—listen and empathize without letting it affect you. No amount of “reaching out” will de-escalate someone who’s determined to stay bitter and angry. Your job is to support your partner while he deals with it.

 5. Practice Self-Care

Take care of yourself. This type of conflict can be really draining. Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and time for yourself. When you're feeling good, you're much less likely to be triggered by an HCP. It’s our responsibility to keep ourselves healthy and grounded.

 6. Disengage from the Conflict

If your relationship revolves around arguments about your partner's ex, it’s time to disengage. This doesn’t mean ignoring the problem, but recognizing where you’ve become too emotionally involved and stepping back.

 Ways to Disengage:

- Stop offering unsolicited advice.

- Don’t assist in your partner's communications with the ex.

- Avoid making elaborate family plans; opt for spontaneous activities instead.

Let your partner live with the consequences of his actions. Until he feels the full weight of those consequences, he’s unlikely to change.

 7. Set Your Own Boundaries

If your partner isn’t good at setting boundaries, establish your own. For example, if the bio mom frequently changes schedules, follow through with your original plans or limit how much you discuss her antics.

 8. Do Your Inner Work

Recognize that the ex isn’t the only reason your family struggles to blend. Reflect on your partner’s boundaries and your preconceptions about being a “real” family. Focus on acceptance, creative solutions, and therapy or coaching.

 9. Get Outside Support

Working with a stepmom coach who understands your situation can be incredibly helpful. A third party can offer insights and positive responses that you might not think of under stress.

 10. Respond Calmly to Stepchildren

If your stepkids bring up negative comments from the bio mom, respond with calm, factual, age-appropriate responses. If legal issues arise, let your lawyer handle them.

 11. Accept Reality

Stop expecting your high-conflict co-parent to change. Accept the situation as it is and focus on what you can control—your involvement, emotions, mental health, and well-being.

As stepmoms dealing with high-conflict bio moms, remember you are not alone and you actually have more power than you realize. By practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and focusing on your well-being, you can create a healthier environment for yourself and your family. Stay strong and remember to get help if you need it.

Ready to Take Control of Your Stepmom Journey?

❤️‍🔥 If you're tired of the drama and ready to find more peace, strength, and joy - it's time to take the next step. Join the waitlist for my coaching program and be the first to know when spots open up!

🚀 Get exclusive access to personalized coaching, proven strategies, and a supportive community of stepmoms who get it.

Let's transform your heartache and trauma into confidence and joy!

👉 Click HERE to join the waitlist now and start your journey toward a happier, healthier stepmom life.

do you need to break up?

…or do you just need a little help and the right tools to make things work better?

…or do you just need a fresh perspective and some new strategies to handle the tough stuff?

…or do you just need to learn how to communicate better and set healthy boundaries?

…or do you just need to focus more on your life outside of stepmom duties and finding balance in your life.

…or do you need community of stepmoms who understand and can support you?

I’m Jamie Simkins, and I’m here to talk about something that’s close to my heart: helping stepmoms who are desperate to see change.

Desperate to be heard and seen and appreciated. Desperate for some control. Desperate for some peace. Hungry for more connection and an ache to feel more alive…and not just like they’re getting through the days.

If any of that sounds like you, I want you to know that it doesn’t have to take a scary breakup conversation to get what you need as as stepmom.

And today, I am bringing you a no-frills, non-sugar-coated post about Rebel Stepmoms Academy - the program I created from the ashes of my own divorce to help other stepmoms get out of blended family hell…to avoid the mistakes I made so they can be the connected, unbothered, and at-peace stepmoms they long to be.

Today I am going to tell you more about how Rebel Stepmoms Academy came to be, who it’s for, what I’ve learned from creating it, and why I think you should apply.

How Rebel Stepmoms Academy Came to Be

When I first became a stepmom, I felt powerless and frustrated constantly. The kids’ biological mom was high-conflict, and my husband didn’t always back me up on parenting decisions. I worked so hard to make everyone happy, but it never seemed to be enough. I felt like a failure.

After years of family therapy, individual therapy, countless books, and even starting my own support group - our marriage still didn’t survive, and I was left feeling deeply guilty and broken.

One day, I decided that I was sick of keeping spoons frozen in the freezer to put on my swollen-from-crying eyes - I decided to take a different approach. I decided to invest in myself in a whole new way. I wanted to make sure I really healed and never made the same mistakes again should I fall in love with a man with kids again (which, being 39 at the time, chances were very high).

I invested in myself and hired two women’s empowerment coaches. I threw myself into personal growth and learned new tools and skills. I discovered things like how to separate other people’s actions from my worth and how to set boundaries.

🚨NON-SPOILER SPOILER ALERT🚨

I did fall in love again and yes he has kids. So that meant it was time for the rubber to meet the road. Would everything I learned really work in practice?

LONG STORY SHORT: Yes. Like, a lottttt. I’m in the most supportive relationship of my life. I get along with my stepkids and our relationship is growing every day. I am UNAFFECTED by the inevitable babymama drama and I feel so.f*cking.powerful and happy.

All because of my big BREAKTHROUGH. All because of ME and the things I learned and how I applied them in real-time to my own life.

That transformation became the foundation of Rebel Stepmoms Academy. Stepmoms need more than just advice. We need actionable tools, personalized guidance of someone IN THE TRENCHES WITH US, and a supportive community.

It’s the program I wish I’d had when I was struggling most or even when I first started out as a stepmom.

It’s my mission to help you achieve the same breakthrough without the years of struggle I went through. The Academy is designed to provide you with the tools, support, and community you need to transform your stepmom journey.

Who This Is For

Rebel Stepmoms Academy is for stepmoms who are ready to take control of their happiness, set healthy boundaries, and truly thrive. If you’re tired of feeling like you’re at the mercy of your stepkids’ bio mom or constantly battling with your partner over parenting differences, this program is for you. If you’re a stepmom who dreads transition days and feels guilty for having negative feelings about a stepchild, you’re in the right place. This program is designed to help you navigate these challenges and come out stronger on the other side.

A Behind-the-Scenes Peek into Rebel Stepmoms Academy

Creating Rebel Stepmoms Academy wasn’t just about putting together a series of lessons. It was about distilling my own journey and the insights I’ve gained over the years into a cohesive, actionable framework. I remember countless nights of jotting down ideas, crumpling up papers, and starting over because I wanted to get it just right. The goal was to create a program that wasn’t just theoretical, but deeply practical and immediately useful.

One of the key components of the Academy is the personalized guidance each stepmom receives. We start with a one-on-one assessment to understand your unique challenges and goals. From there, we create a customized pathway that outlines the specific steps you need to take, what lessons to watch, what to say when and to whom. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach; it’s tailored to your individual situation.

How Rebel Stepmoms Academy Transforms Your Life

Rebel Stepmoms Academy provides a supportive community, practical tools, and personalized guidance to transform your life.

By the time you leave, you will have:

• Conversations that actually go somewhere

• Better boundaries

• Reactions you’re proud of

• Deeper connections

• Confidence & tools for dealing with the ex & the kids

• Your inner-spark back

HOW you get those things in the program:

Supportive Community: You’ll join a sisterhood of stepmoms who get it. We support each other, share experiences, and celebrate victories together.

Practical Tools: You’ll get actionable tools to manage your unique challenges. From handling high-conflict bio moms to navigating stepkid dynamics, we’ve got you covered.

My Brain on Your Blended Family: You’ll receive customized guidance tailored to your specific situation in a number of different ways. We provide step-by-step instructions to help you succeed.

Weekly Coaching Calls: We have regular coaching calls to check in, stay on track, and get expert advice.

Unlimited Pocket Coaching via Voxer: Real-time support ensures that you’re never alone, even in your toughest moments.

Couples Coaching Sessions: You and your partner will have two sessions to get on the same page, reduce conflicts, and build a stronger relationship.

Imagine waking up each day feeling confident and empowered, knowing exactly how to handle any challenge that comes your way. Imagine enjoying harmonious relationships with your stepkids, feeling supported by your partner, and finding joy in every moment.

Picture yourself surrounded by a sisterhood of stepmoms who get it, who cheer you on, and who celebrate every victory with you.

More About Rebel Stepmoms Academy & Why You Should Join Us

Rebel Stepmoms Academy is the only program run by a coach who’s also a trained therapist and a stepmom. I chose the word “rebel” because we do things differently, recognizing the need for a radical shift.

With 13+ years of stepmom experience and 10+ years of clinical experience, I’ve poured everything I know about being a stepmom and everything I’ve been through into this program. There is nothing out there like it.

If you’re ready to take control of your happiness, set boundaries, and truly thrive, join us. The doors are open until Friday, June 28 and 6pm CT. Get signed up so I can properly welcome you – it’s going to be AWESOME!

If you’re ready to transform your stepmom journey, [click here to apply for Rebel Stepmoms Academy].

I can’t wait to welcome you into our amazing community. Remember, you deserve more than just survival; you deserve to thrive.