9 tips for dealing with your partner’s permissive parenting

When I polled my Facebook group for stepmoms about their biggest struggles, the overwhelming top response was: “different parenting styles.” That response was no shock to me as a stepmom myself and as a coach to stepmoms for over ten years. I hear that one a lot. And usually what is meant by “different parenting styles” is “He’s too permissive.”

On top of that, I hear a lot of stepmoms say things like:

- “I have no say in my own home.”

- “I feel powerless when it comes to what his kids do.”

- “I don’t agree with my partner’s parenting and he won’t listen to me.”

- “My partner is too permissive or inconsistent or unpredictable as a parent.”

- “The rules change when his kids arrive - he’s hard on mine, but lets his run wild.”

- “I would never let my kids do that…”

It’s one thing to disagree with how he parents his own children and another to feel like you have no say, especially when that permissive parenting affects your life. Dads tend to be too permissive in their parenting for a number of reasons, but the most common are guilt from the divorce, gender norms, and lack of parenting skills/education. Understanding these factors can help you approach the situation with the right mindset and attitude so you can find constructive solutions. Luckily, it only takes one person to change a pattern.

Here are 9 tips to help you right the ship if you’re struggling with how your partner parents.

1. Have a Heart-to-Heart with Your Partner

Express your feelings using "I" statements, focus on how their actions impact you, and avoid blaming or criticizing. This approach fosters understanding and cooperation.

2. Create House Rules

Come up with house rules that everyone agrees on. Focus on what really matters to you. For example, "We pick up after ourselves," or "We greet each other and treat each other with kindness." Make sure these rules are clear and agreed upon by everyone in the household.

3. Set Boundaries

Set boundaries as needed. If certain behaviors are affecting your well-being, your time, your energy, or the harmony of your home, it’s important to set clear boundaries. Communicate these boundaries respectfully and ensure they are enforced consistently.

4. Check Your Own Baggage

Sometimes, as stepmoms, we unconsciously or unwittingly over-correct and try to control things because we have so little control. Our lives are ruled by court orders, rules we didn’t make, kids we didn’t birth, etc., so we become hypervigilant of all the things our partner and the kids are doing that we don’t like or agree with. Get honest with yourself about your control tendencies. Reflect on whether your need to control stems from your own insecurities or past experiences. Sometimes, our reactions to our partner's parenting style are more about us than about them. Acknowledge this and give yourself grace.

5. Have Empathy for Your Partner

Remember that your partner may be dealing with guilt from the divorce or trying to compensate for the time lost with their kids. Understand that their leniency might be a way of coping with their own emotions. Try to see things from their perspective and have open, empathetic conversations about your concerns. The guilt or lack of skills isn’t an excuse, but it’s an explanation and it can be really helpful to keep in mind as you try to work things out.

6. Pick Your Battles

Learn to let go of the small things and focus on what truly matters. Use the rule of 5: Will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years? If it won’t matter in the long run, it might not be worth the stress.

7. Own the Role Your Childhood Wounds May Be Playing

Reflect on how your own childhood experiences might be influencing your reactions. If you grew up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, you might be more sensitive to similar patterns in your stepfamily. Acknowledge these feelings and work through them.

8. Understand Parenting Styles

According to research, there are four basic styles of parenting:

1. Loving and Firm (Authoritative)

2. Hostile and Firm (Authoritarian)

3. Permissive and Kind (Permissive)

4. Permissive and Hostile (Unpredictable)

The most effective parenting style for children is the Authoritative style, which combines love and firmness. Usually, our partners rock at the loving part, but not so much on the firmness part. Reflect on which of these styles best describes your partner’s parenting and your own.

9. Focus on Connection Over Correction

One of the best ways to navigate differing parenting styles as a stepmom is to focus on building a connection with your stepchildren rather than trying to correct their behavior constantly. When children feel connected and respected, they are more likely to respond positively to guidance.

Conclusion

Differing parenting styles are a common challenge in blended families, but they don’t have to spell disaster. By checking your own baggage, having empathy for your partner, picking your battles, creating house rules, and setting boundaries, you can navigate these differences more effectively. Focus on building connections with your stepchildren and communicate openly with your partner.