The Truth About Jealousy: Stop feeling like a Monster & become a More confident & content Stepmom.

Let’s just say it out loud right here, right now: feeling jealous of your stepkids or even the life your partner had before you is totally normal. We often feel guilty or ashamed for having these feelings, but they are to be expected and they’re a natural part of being in a complex family setup like a blended family.

Jealousy Towards Stepchildren

Let’s talk about jealousy towards your stepkids. This is a tough one because it can make you feel like a bad person, but it can actually be a signal that there’s something deeper going on. To figure this out, we need to do a little self-reflection

Self-Reflection Activity

Think about a recent time when you felt jealous of your stepkids. What was happening? What was being said or done? Close your eyes and tune into your body. What other emotions were you feeling along with jealousy? Sadness, anger, loneliness? Write these down.

Notice where in your body you felt this jealousy. Was there tension in your shoulders? A heaviness in your chest? Write that down too.

Elizabeth Church, a psychologist and stepmom, has an eye-opening insight about jealousy. She says “Stepmom jealousy is often powerlessness turned inside out.” If that hits you in the gut, you’re not alone. Many of us feel excluded or disempowered when our partners give attention to their kids and we’re left feeling invisible. It’s not that we don’t want the kids to have attention, we just want to feel important, too. And feeling jealous of a little kid brings up all these other yucky feelings like shame and guilt. If you’re anything like me, you probably have felt like this makes you a monster, being jealous of a kid. But it doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you human.

Understanding the Triggers

Jealousy often signals power imbalances in the family. We might feel like our needs come last, especially if our partners focus solely on their kids when they’re around. It’s not that our partners are intentionally disregarding us, but it can feel that way.

Practical Strategies

Alright, now that we’ve unpacked these feelings, let’s dive into some strategies to navigate jealousy and build stronger bonds.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

First, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel jealous—it actually means you care. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend. When those feelings arise, acknowledge them without judgment.

2. Self-Reflect to Identify Imbalances

Like I said above, jealousy often points to an imbalance. Take time to reflect on where these imbalances might be. What is your jealousy trying to tell you? Is it signaling a need for more significance? Is it trying to tell you that you need more closeness and connection? More control or say? Notice your triggers and the thoughts that accompany them. Are you telling yourself, “I don’t matter” or “I’m not enough”?

3. Communicate with Vulnerability

There’s no intimacy without connection, and no connection without vulnerability. Connect with your partner by sharing your feelings openly and honestly. Here’s a script to help guide that conversation:

. Ask if it’s a good time to talk: “Is now a good time to share something that’s been on my heart?”

.Acknowledge or express appreciation related to the situation: “I love what an involved, engaged Dad you are. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

. State the facts: “But I noticed that when I came home with groceries, you were playing with Mackenzie and didn’t get up to help me.”

.Own the meaning you made out of it: “What I made up about that is my needs don’t matter as much when she’s with us.”

.Express your feelings: “…and I felt really sad and lonely.”

. Make a request: “When you see me with my hands full, will you come over to help me? And when Mackenzie is with us, can we carve out 30 minutes a day for some 1:1 time?”

Practice this script until it feels natural. It’s a powerful tool when you use it!

4. Embrace an Abundance Mindset & Remember that Love is Not a Zero Sum Game

When we talk about jealousy as a stepmom, it's easy to feel like love and attention are limited resources. It can seem like if your partner is giving love and attention to their kids, there's less left over for you. This is what’s known as a zero-sum game—the idea that there's a fixed amount of something, and if one person gets more, another gets less.

But love doesn't work that way. Love is not a zero-sum game. Just because your partner loves and cares for their kids doesn’t mean there’s less love available for you. Love is not pie! In fact, love can grow and expand. Your partner’s ability to love their children doesn’t diminish their capacity to love you.

Understanding this can help shift your perspective. Instead of seeing your stepkids as competition for your partner's affection, you can start to see the love they share as something that can coexist with, and even enhance, the love you share with your partner. This mindset can reduce feelings of jealousy and help you feel more secure in your relationship. from a scarcity mindset (believing there’s not enough love or attention to go around) to an abundance mindset (believing there’s plenty for everyone). Focus on what’s working in your relationship and express gratitude for those things. When scarcity-based thoughts arise, replace them with abundant ones. For example, instead of thinking, "Every time he’s with his kids, it’s like I’m pushed to the side and forgotten” try repeating this mantra to yourself: “Love is limitless and ever-expanding. There’s more than enough love for everyone, including me.”

5. Focus on Self-Care and Personal Growth

Prioritize your own self-care. Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Reconnect with what makes you *you* outside of being a stepmom. This is a crucial part of maintaining your emotional well-being and building your own unique identity within the family. Remember, our partners can’t meet all our needs—we need to take charge of our own happiness.

Jealousy Towards the Life Your Partner Had Before You

Another area of jealousy that we often grapple with is towards our partner’s past. It’s natural to feel insecure or compare ourselves to their previous experiences, wishing it was us he shared those memories with instead of his Ex.

If you find yourself pre-occupied with your partner’s past, here are a few tips that will help:

1. Cultivate Gratitude and Appreciation

Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and express appreciation for what your partner brings into your life. Gratitude can shift your perspective and diminish feelings of jealousy.

2. Communicate and Be Vulnerable

Open, honest communication with your partner is key. Express your concerns and insecurities in a non-confrontational way. Creating a safe space for dialogue helps you both work together to find solutions.

3. Build Shared Experiences

Focus on building new memories as a couple and family. Creating positive experiences together will lay a foundation for a fulfilling future.

4. Invest in Personal Growth

Focus on making your life as amazing as it can be right now. Here. Today. Let go of the past and put all of your energy into making your present a place that’s so good, you never even THINK about the past anymore!

THINK YOU NEED MORE HELP WITH YOUR COMPLICATED FEELINGS?

Consider booking a free, 60-minute consultation call with me. The purpose of this call is for us to determine your next steps re: your biggest stepmom struggle. I want to hear all about you, your family, your goals/desires, what's stopping you and where you're trying to go.

I will then lay out my recommended Next Steps for you and your family based on exactly where you are. You'll leave the call feeling clear on where to go from here.

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